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For parents, the teenage years can be a source of joy and pride as your watch your child become more independent in navigating the world, turning into a young adult with accomplishments and goals. However, along the way there are certainly going to be trying times when you find yourself wondering "What happened to my cute little kid??" and "Just who is this person living in my house??"
What is going on in those brains that can make these years sooooo frustrating?? Why are they at times moody, impulsive and not really great at making decisions? Growing up is so much different these days than when we navigated our teenage years, making it difficult to relate. Also, having so many ways to be connected to means there are equally as many ways to be disconnected.
The good new is that most of the traits in your teen are normal. Their bodies are changing (ugh puberty!) and their brains are literally still developing at a time when so much is expected of them... school, activities, jobs, driving, planning their futures. This maturation happens at different rates for different kids, and at various times in specific parts of the brain itself!
Dr. Garner, a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, explains it so well in this article. He states the mismatch between signals from different parts of the brain can explain much of teenage behavior. In some kids, the pre-frontal cortex (PFC), which controls mood, impulsivity, attention and abstract thinking, doesn't fully mature until age 24!! The PFC also has influence over another part of the brain, the amygdala, which controls emotion and aggression. So if the PFC takes quite a while to mature, there is a discrepancy there which can lead to emotional outbursts and impulsive decisions... Sound like anyone you know???
How does a parent know when to worry? As pediatricians, we are always here to help you sort that out at any point when you aren't sure if your teen's behavior is normal.
If your teen is performing well academically with a good routine for sleep, meals and exercise, then you can be reassured. A red flag may go up if one or more of these things starts to go off track, they are no longer participating in activities they used to enjoy, or they seems to be withdrawn or spending a lot of time in their room. Extreme or sudden changes in mood or behavior should also be discussed with your child's doctor.
During these visits, we usually talk with you and your teen together, and then offer to speak with your child alone. Sometimes teenagers feel more comfortable speaking about what is going on with them without the parent in the room. However, with his or her permission, often we are then able to start a dialogue between the parent and teen which can open up the lines of communication. Open, honest communication is INCREDIBLY important. Sometimes teens aren't sure how to start a conversation about a topic, or don't want a parent to be mad or worried. It must be mentioned that teenage privacy laws are different in various states.
To get an overall feel for a teenager's mental and physical health, we go through a list of questions regarding home, school, appetite, sleep, activities, work, and relationships with friends and family. We may also ask questions regarding use of tobacco, alcohol, drugs and intimate relationships to gauge risk-taking behaviors. We can get an overall sense of their routine and well-being.
How is a parent supposed to make it through this???
As mentioned before, work to keep an open line of communication between you and your teen. Sometimes they may need advice and sometimes they may just need someone to listen.
Try not to let disagreements turn into fights, but teach and demonstrate peaceful conflict resolution at home. Listen to their side carefully and help them to think through the potential outcomes of their requests or decisions.
Allow them to gain confidence and independence, but safely. Life is full of trial and error situations and at times you may need to let them experience minor consequences of their decisions (emphasis on safely).
Allow them to have input whenever possible, whether it be on meals, schedules, chores, or anything else at home.
Life is busy, so set aside specific family time! Try to eat meals together... this is more important than families realize.
Let them know that while it may seem like you are "nagging" them or standing in the way of things they want to do now, one day they will learn that everything you did for them was out of love and to keep them safe.
Just remember, even when they are crabby and annoying, teenagers still need the guiding hands of their parents. When they are having a tough time, don't push them away, LOVE THEM HARDER!❤❤❤
